Mockery and Derision

I’d like to start this blog by talking about the worst thing ever: Fred Thompson’s voice.

That might seem tongue in cheek, but I assure you it’s not. Why do you think everyone dies on Law and Order? Coincidence? NAY. It’s that gravel, geriatric voice beckoning you home, into the underworld. Which is where you belong if you enjoy Law and Order.

As a rule of thumb, I don’t obsess over the failings of shows I don’t like, but this one managed to intrude on what was otherwise going to be a bad affair on its own: McCain’s acceptance speech at the RNC.

The video was bad. The speech was bad. But in between, in a brief moment of introduction, all the lights in the convention hall went out, and Fred Thompson spoke. And out flowed the cheasiest, most disingenous garbage the political world has ever known.

“When you’ve lived in a box…you dedicate your whole life to making sure others don’t have to live in that box…”

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?!?!

First of all, he lived in a cell, with like, you know…a bed. And food. And medical care. He didn’t crawl into the overhead storage bin on a 5 1/2 year flight and crawl out like some type of jackass butterfly. There was light. And other people. Let’s not make this out to be worse than it is.

But that was the true beauty of Thompson’s introduction. With the lights out and all the talk of boxes, I actually thought McCain had been shot down into an entirely different dimension, where he floated in some type of dark, gravelly voiced purgatory with Fred Thompson instead of the considerably less horrific North Vietnam.

I get it. You were a POW. And as soon as you came back from Vietnam you ran for President, right? Oh, no! That was 35 YEARS AGO! What’ve you been up to since then? That’s right, getting caught in the Keating 5 scandal, supporting Bush at every oppurtunity, being a heavily vocal proponent of invading Iraq, championing a foolhardedly aggresive foriegn policy, gutting every Vetrans’ bill you can, not supporting equal pay for equal work.

“When you’ve lived in a box, you dedicate your life to making sure others don’t have to live in that box.”

How so? Someone give me one, just one, instance where John McCain hasn’t done everything he can to put Americans in a box. He’s certainly had a big help in putting over 4,000 Americans in boxes. Unlike him though, these aren’t boxes you ever make it out of.

So thanks Fred. Thanks John. While you two geriatrics fight over your glory days, I’ll be busy giving the new kid a shot. Unless “Fat Man and Little Boy” comes on. Now that Fred Thompson fellow, THAT’S an actor.

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